Mom had always laid bridges for me. To cross many adult milestones, like navigating the intimidating saree stores of Bombay for my wedding sarees, surviving my first nights of becoming a mother to my daughter and son, and the ultimate, asking for true forgiveness. She walked me through all my confessions. Actually she held me up and then carried me through to the other side. Her arms, like the girders of a bridge would always extend to release any pressure I would put on myself, all my erroneous judgements. Strong as concrete, a post of knowledge, strength, discipline and love that held me up; she built strong piles. Bridges with smooth decking to pass over and through treacherous paths of honesty, of vulnerability, of earthly fears. To not walk backwards but to reach out for her. She saw the universe in me. She did that with both her daughters.
Now I have to and will be laying my own path to cross my Mom’s heartbreaking memorial. Today I acknowledge my Mom’s once birthday, August 16th. A day that we would celebrate year after year. But today is also preparation for tomorrow, her memorial, August 17th. Although her birthdate unharmed, it is only hours away from her passing. Two days of the year weighted like no other.
So now in the next 48 hours my family and I will visit all that is good and also heart aching about my Mom’s personal first chapters and her tough final chapter. Just like many of us, my Mom’s story carried and at times were anchored by many of life’s challenges. And some of her challenges were unique to an immigrant’s story. But thankfully my Mom only allowed herself to figure out a way to overcome and succeed. I’m honored to have known her story and to be able to share these with my children.
Gravity hurts when you know this loss. What is present and realized is a hard truth to walk through. There’s a fear of not being enough without her. I need to lift “the veil of separation”.
Falling short is not an option when building a bridge. I tell myself to listen beyond the tears, listen to what my heart lays out and then walk as mindfully as I can. Easier said than done. I need to break the fear and allow the lightness to wash over me. This is what I hear. This has been and will continue to be my next year’s intention, journey.
These are the footsteps of a child who loses a parent too soon.
Celebrating my Mom’s birthday, 2014
light & love